


Ballum (sing to me instead)

by Chloe_hufflepuff



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Gay, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-08-19 22:08:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20217052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chloe_hufflepuff/pseuds/Chloe_hufflepuff
Summary: A collection of Ballum one shots using prompts from Ben platts album called sing to me instead.





	1. Sing to me instead

Promt : temporary love  
Lyric : you don’t have to hide your love away 

Trigger warning for self harm and depression xx

Callum had been sitting in the park for what seemed minutes but was in reality hours. He needed a break from everything and everyone around him. He just wanted the world to stop for a while so he could be granted time to think. Lately he had been in so much pain and it was getting harder to hide it everyday. Callum was on a carousel of his fears and he didn’t know how to make it stop. He glanced at the empty glass bottle in his hand and then looked at his arm as he lifted the bottle and let the sharp edge pierce through his skin, pouring Scarlett out. He knew, he knew it was unhealthy but still he did it. 

“Callum what the hell?” His thoughts were soon interrupted by a certain Mitchell storming up to him with a sense of anger but also concern. Callum went to open his mouth to deny what Ben saw but before he could even say a word tears spilt down his face and once he started he couldn’t stop. Broken sobs escaped his lips as his body started to shake uncontrollably. “I ... I can’t do it anymore” he managed to whisper through crying fits. Ben’s eyes were filled with pity but also a look of recognition and understanding flashed across his face as he brought Callum into a tight embrace, rubbing soothing circles on his back. After a few minutes of peaceful silence he pulled back and looked at his arm which was stained with red. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m an ugly mess” Callum revealed quietly which earned him a look of surprise from Ben as he clearly stated, “no don’t you dare, you’re beautiful. You may be a mess but who isn’t ? You don’t have to carry on like this, I know the truth is killing you but that’s okay.” 

Callum thought for a moment before looking into bens eyes and asking, “it’s... it’s okay ?” Ben replied soon after saying, “yes it is, so what you’re gay? You’re still Callum highway, the guy with the ridiculously weird but adorable beanie and nothing can change that. You’ve got to show the world who you are and you shouldn’t be forced to hid it away. This, what we have it isn’t a fling ... well not to me anyway” he cleared his throat and then said “ why don’t we get your arm cleaned up” at which the other man nodded.

Callum got up from the bench and they walked towards the Beale’s household, their hands brushing past each other until Callum interlocked their fingers and gave him a shy smile.

“It’s okay, it’s going to be okay” he reassured himself under his breath


	2. Ease my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ballum oneshot based on Ben platts song ease your mind

Prompt: ease my mind   
Thoughts quiet   
Lyric: You came out of nowhere and you cut through all the noise  
I make sense to the madness when I listen to your voice  
Darling, only you can ease my mind  
Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind

Callum had been sitting in one of the abandoned alleyways in the square after a rather violent encounter with his dad, trying to make his mind quiet. His head was in is knees and was trying to control his breathing. Maybe, just maybe his dad was right. He was a disgrace and who he is was absolutely disgusting. He kept digging his nails into the palm of his hand which he only did when he was anxious or in this sort of state, the dark and lonely thoughts consuming him.

He stopped as he heard someone approaching him and looked up to meet a familiar mans eyes with his own bloodshot ones. “What happened?” He heard being asked by a concerned Ben that was kneeling beside him and tracing the bruise on his cheek and then the cut on his lip. Callum thought for a moment before saying, “just some stupid fight, nothing to worry about”. Ben stared into his eyes catching a glimpse of sadness and softly said “don’t lie to me” which earned him a look of surprise from Callum. No one really saw past the lies, no one before Ben. “Urm I .. my dad, he” before Callum could finish Ben interrupted him with a gentle “I know” 

Subconsciously Callum went back to digging his nails into his hand, not noticing when it caused his skin to bleed . He soon felt Bens calloused hands wrap around his own like a blanket of warmth, preventing him from doing it again. “Cal, Callum. Please don’t do that to yourself” a shaky voice stated firmly. Callum let out a sigh of relief, he could let his guard down in front of him. He could be honest and truthful and he wouldn’t be judged for it.   
“You can cry you know or scream, it doesn’t make you weak but strong in fact” Ben said as he looked at him in adoration but also sadness. Callum nodded as a muffled sob racked through him and quietly muttered “stop it please, get out just get out of my head” which caused strong arms to wrap around his frail torso, protecting him from the outside world. He winced slightly at he pain the embrace caused for his sides and pulled back. As soon as he did a look of horror crossed Bens face. Callum’s hoodie had ridden up slightly, revealing the deep purple marks all over his porcelain skin. “Oh Cal” Ben whispered to his self as he traced the bruises softly and affectionately. “I’m sorry” Callum told him truthfully as he looked down in humiliation. Ben started to caress the other mans delicate face as he spoke clearly , “don’t you apologise for being you, you’re beautiful and strong not ugly and horrific. “ Ben thought for a second before placing a soft kiss on Callum’s lips and then to the bruise on his cheek. 

The dark and lonely thoughts were quiet and were now gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hesitate to contact and follow me on Instagram or Tumblr 
> 
> Instagram : @xxmulti_fandom_editsxx
> 
> Tumblr: hufflepuffy1


	3. Hurt me once

Prompt: hurt me once   
Lyrics: If you have to hurt me, hurt me once  
If you have to end it, get it done  
You have all these choices, I have none

Since it had been revealed that Phil Mitchell had been attacked, Callum knew he had to check if Ben was okay. It didn’t have to mean anything, he could just see if he was okay like a friend would do right? After looking around the whole square, Callum went to the last place he could think of: the car lot. He raised his shaking hand to the door and tapped it gently. “Can’t you bloody read? I’m closed” a familiar voice shouted out harshly. Callum frowned before saying “Ben it’s me, Urm Callum” . At this the door violently opened, Ben in the doorway but it didn’t look like Ben but more like a ghost of himself. He appeared so much more pale and frail than usual. It was evident he had been crying by the tear tracks on his cheek and the bloodshot eyes. In truth, Ben Mitchell couldn’t look any worse. “What the hell do you want?” Ben snapped at Callum, causing him to jerk at the cruelty to his voice. “I wanted - no I needed to see if you were okay with everything that’s gone on” the other man said shyly. Ben started to laugh hysterically at that, “oh so now you care? When it suits you, well I’m not in the mood for you and your denial so you can get out and leave me be” he coldly stated. Before Ben could slam the door shut, Callum stood in the way instantly blocking Ben. “No,no. I’m not going anywhere because you’re not okay and I know how that feels you know.” Ben took a step forward before pinning the other man to the wall with fury in his eyes. “Oh please spare me the pity party, it must be pretty comfortable and warm in the closet. You don’t have a clue of what I’m going through or what it’s like so as I said before GET OUT” 

Callum was taken aback by the sudden violent action but still kept his calm stance as he tried to get away from Bens grip. “As I said before, I’m not going anywhere” Ben kept the other man pinned to the wall whilst shouting, “you don’t get to do this Callum! You don’t get to pick when you wanna be straight and when you don’t. It’s not fair on me you know or on you for that matter.” He paused before realising how strong his grip was on Callum now, “God I’m sorry I didn’t mean to ... you know I wouldn’t hurt you”. Callum smiled softly before saying “I know you wouldn’t” and was met with a face of confusion. “I don’t get it Cal, I really don’t. You’re not scared of me” Callum shook his head and then gently said, “I know who you are Ben Mitchell and that’s nothing to be scared of. You protect yourself all the time but you need to let go because I get it I really do and I’m sorry I hurt you I don’t want to but I, I don’t know what to do.” 

Ben nodded before taking a step back. “Everyone thinks I hurt my dad, no one believes me. I mean why not I’ve killed before” he chuckled sarcastically and put his head in his hands. Callum followed him and stoked the outline of an old bruise on his cheek before quietly saying, “I believe you”. A look of pity crossed Callum’s face as silent tears streamed down Bens face. Callum quickly wiped them before joking, “crying is not a good look on you” Ben chuckled lightly and asked, “how are you so strong?” Callum replied with a laugh and said “I’m far from it, really. You don’t wanna be in my mind”

Ben thought for a moment before whispering “ I do want to, I wanna help you but you can’t keep ending it because you’re in denial all the time” Callum nodded understanding, “anything for you”.

Callum moved slightly closer as Ben cupped his face adoringly and their lips brushed past each other’s, providing each other with a warm and soft sensation. Callum pulled away which caused Ben to worry that he was gonna end this all again but he soon relaxed when Callum buried his head into Ben’s neck and wrapped his arms around the other man, letting a tear fall whilst Ben held onto him tighter. 

It was gonna be one hell of a ride but Callum was sure this was what home felt like.


	4. In case you don't live forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just some fluffy fluff

PROMPT: IN CASE YOU DON'T LIVE FOREVER 

LYRICS: I'VE WAITED TOO LONG TO SAY EVERYTHING YOU MEAN TO ME.

Callum had been battling internally with his sexuality for what seemed forever and was only coming to terms with it at age 25. He felt so restricted and trapped most of his life by some sort of barrier he was too scared to cross but if he wasn't careful he would lose the one good thing that had happened to him. Ben. Here he was in the early hours of the morning lying in bed with his arms wrapped around Whitney but it felt unnatural and strange. Her body against his didn't felt, she didn't fit next to him perfectly. Subconsciously, without even thinking he got out of bed carefully trying not to disturb Whitney and left the flat with his hoodie and headphones.

The fresh breeze whipped Callum's cheek as he started running at a steady pace to the beat of the music, stopping now and then to catch his breath. Running through the night with sweat drenching his forehead and tears streaming down his pale cheeks, Callum couldn't feel more at peace with himself.

"Hey loverboy!" a voice called out that could only belong to the smirking face of Ben Mitchell who was leaning against the wall of the alleyway by the pub. His face softened as soon as he realised that Callum had been crying but had little time to react as Callum quietly said, "I urm wanted to find you to urm talk to you". Ben nodded his head to indicate he understood and his eyes were filled with concern and fear out of Callum's nervousness. Callum cleared his throat and clearly stated, "I've been - well I've been thinking a lot lately and I can't, I just can't fight it anymore. I want to - I need to say this before it's too late or before you realise you're better off without me." Ben's eyes widened at this but Callum continued, " I really care about you and you mean so much to me. I don't know how you managed to climb into my heart in a span of a few weeks but you managed it. I just need you to know and understand what you mean to me. I'm thinking of urm leaving Whit because I just feel so lost and broken inside and you Ben Mitchell are the only one who can fix me. I think … I mean I know I'm gay and for you." Callum looked down out of humiliation and anxiety with tears spilling down his face but was oblivious to the smile on Ben's face. "Hey, Callum look at me" Ben said gently as he wiped away his tears with his thumb. He then went on to say, "I'm so proud of you, I know how hard it is to admit that but it's okay. I'm here for you. Always will be and I'm not going anywhere. "You promise?" Callum asked looking up into his eyes with hope. Ben gave him a soft smile as he said, "Yes I promise, sorry to disappoint but you can't get rid of me that easily." At hearing this, Callum rested his head on the other's shoulder and grasped his hand while saying "thank you". This was met with Ben asking "whatever for?"

"For being you, for just … everything"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of this chapter?
> 
> Twitter: @chloe_fangirl03  
Instagram: @xxmulti_fandom_editsxx OR @xxchloe_professionalfangirlxx  
Tumblr: hufflepuffy1


	5. Bad Habit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is so bad because its early in the morning whoops sorry
> 
> ALSOOOO CREDIT TO MY GURL NIC FOR HELPING ME WRITE A SECTION OF THIS, LOVE YOUUUU

PROMPT: BAD HABIT  
LYRIC: HATE TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU  
HATE TO SAY THAT I NEED YOU  
HATE TO SAY THAT I WANT YOU  
BUT I DO

Callum had just come back from the memorial, the sky covered in a blanket of darkness which was ironically reflecting his mood. Chris was gone, really gone but he couldn't process it. It felt sorta surreal like it was a nightmare that he couldn't wake from. Letters in one hand and Chris' cap in the other, he was falling apart bit by bit.

His feet ended up taking him to the abandoned children's playground and he started pacing up and down, unable to make sense of his emotions. The walls were closing in on him and he could do nothing but watch the darkness take him captive , engulfing him slowly. Just when he feels like the whole world is caving in, a soft touch sparks him back to reality, he knows even without turning who it is, Ben standing there waiting for Callum to turn, only for his face to fall when he sees the fresh tear marks which track Callum's face, glancing down he sees his hands, "Cal what happened?"

Callum leans into the soft touch before suddenly jerking away, his eyes filled with despair and hurt. "No, no! You don't get to do this, pretend like you care when I'm not even worth the hassle. You confuse me and make me think things. I hate you, god I hate you so damn much. I hate how I'm falling in love with you. I hate how I want you so bad. I hate how I need you to calm me down, to help me. It's not fair, I just want to be normal." Callum blurted out as more tears streamed down his face. Ben gently wiped his tears away as he calmly said, "Cal, you are normal - in actual fact there is no set normal" he then paused before saying in barely a whisper, "Breathe, let it all out just don't shut me out"

For the rest of the night Ben held Callum listening to his gut wrenching sobs and comforting him the best way he knew how. Ben knew there was something more to what Callum was going through, he knew that look in his eyes but he left it. Callum kept apologising over and over again as Ben rubbed soothing circles over the back of his hand and pressed a soft but meaningful kiss to his cheek. Callum finally lulled off to sleep in Ben's arms, looking at peace with himself. Ben gazed at the man adoringly as he whispered "I love you too Cal even though I shouldn't"

To Ben, Callum was an addictive drug and to Callum, Ben was also an addictive drug. It was a bad habit but perhaps they could heal each other in the process whilst learning that they can be loved.


	6. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, this is a new song that Ben released only yesterday so isn’t really part of the albumn but eh
> 
> Also this isn’t my best so I’m sorry if you think it’s crap 😂😬

Prompt/song: rain

Lyrics: Breathe deep, let it wash over you  
We're slowly becoming lovers 

It was the night before the wedding, the pitch black sky painted with stars of all kinds and Callum had been running for the past hour but was now crouched down in an alleyway, trying to catch his breath. The anxiety and bad thoughts came flooding in all at once, his breathing rapidly growing into hyperventilation and nothing could stop it. A sort of stabbing pain shoots through Callum’s lungs as the whole world seems to spin around causing nausea to creep up on him. His pale hands were shaking whilst gut wrenching sobs racked his lifeless body still. Ben intruded in on the darkness, bringing nothing but light to calm the other man down. “Cal, Callum?” A worried voice filled the other’s ears . Ben placed a hand on Callum’s chest, feeling the pounding of his breathing as he softly told him “ you need to breathe properly Cal, just in and out okay? I’m here for you but you have to help me out here” Callum’s emotionless eyes stared back at Ben’s as his breathing started to steady slightly. 

“I’m good now just wedding nerves, stupid really” Callum laughed it off shakily, earning him a concerning look from Ben. “Actually Callum, you’re not okay and it’s not just wedding nerves. You’re trying to get me off your back when really you do want me here” Ben told him whilst still looking at him. Callum looks quite freaked out but also surprised by this accurate revelation. “Cal you forget that I see you and I know you see me too, I’m not telling you to not marry Whit for me but for you. Be selfish just this once because you deserve to be happy, you can finally breathe and let go” Ben stated with a genuine and sad smile. “You’re right but I’m just scared, so scared” Callum said as tears threatened to spill from his eyes. Ben gently wrapped an arm around Callum’s shoulder and pulled him close, unsure of if he was going to resist. The pit in Callum’s stomach was now filled with warmth and love from the other man. Maybe, just maybe it would be okay. He started to melt into Ben’s warm side as he unconsciously smiled for the first time in what felt forever. Ben admired the sight for a moment before leaning down to place a kiss of adoration onto Callum’s forehead as he whispered, “I’m here, always will be and now you can finally breathe and do what feels right”

For so long Callum had held his breath, not wanting his secret to slip but in that moment he could let go and be true to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Don’t hesitate to contact me if you ever wanna talk to fangirl 😂
> 
> Instagram: @xxmulti_fandom_editsxx  
Tumblr: hufflepuffy1


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